Downhill

Have you ever had the inexplicable urge to just….leave? Like you aren’t supposed to be where you are? As if some other place is calling to you, tempting you with a feeling of freedom from a source you can’t quite identify?

Well that’s me. Somehow, home isn’t home anymore. These walls have grown more confining, these rooms get much darker much quicker, and the deadly silence of these hollow halls disturbs me. The air is like a dense cloud of apathy weighing me down the moment I walk in through the door. I only smile when I am away from home, and in the company of friends rather than family. I open up more to my friends than I ever could to my mother and father. I am happiest during my midnight strolls outside when I can’t sleep, my best memories are from faraway places with faraway people. What went wrong? Why does this house no longer feel like home, despite my living here for 13 years?

I feel some force pulling me away from here…beckoning me to a place with clearer skies, fresher air, and more light. A place where I can breathe, where the air isn’t heavy and thick with confusion and melancholy. Somewhere that is more of a home to me, than my current home is.

And I think that’s okay. My perception of fate is that we get what we deserve, whether that’s when we’re born or when we’re 50 years old. Things are hard right now, and its worse feeling like I don’t belong here. But I have faith that it just means better things are ahead of me. Perhaps good times won’t come the second I leave for college, but at some point I know everything will work out, the stars will align, and I will be okay.

I would like to pass this hope onto you, dear reader. I know things may not be ideal right now…everyone is fighting a unique battle whether it’s paying off student loans or trying to find a job. The world works in mysterious ways, but I can promise you that balance is always its end goal. For every downhill there will be an uphill, for every heartbreak there will be someone to mend you, and for every moment you want to punch through walls there will be moments where those walls cannot contain your joy. It just takes some trust, and a will to focus on the task at hand rather than stressing about the next year.

I want to leave you with a quote:

Just because the past didn’t turn out like you wanted it to, it doesn’t mean your future can’t be better than you ever imagined.”

– Ro ♡

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